When Dad Returns to Work
By Logan Donnelly (@KiwiDad)
As a new parent, life can be transformed dramatically with the arrival of your little one. It's an incredible moment, but it's not all cuddles and coos. The truth is the transition into parenthood can be tough. But here's the thing: you can make it easier.
Paternity leave is a gift that allows fathers to bond with their babies, but it's also a crucial time for the whole family to adjust to their new normal. The fourth trimester covers the first three months of baby’s life, but all too soon most couples face the harsh reality of one parent having to return to work. More often than not, it's the dads who are back in the office within a couple of weeks, barely enough time to adjust.
This sudden transition can be incredibly overwhelming and jarring for both the primary caregiver and primary breadwinner. I know this from personal experience. When my daughter Delilah was born, I only had two short weeks at home before I had to return to work. It was challenging, but I learnt a lot and came up with some useful strategies. Try them out for yourself.
Surviving the Fourth Trimester: Tips for New Parents Returning to Work
Returning to work after welcoming a new baby can be one of the biggest adjustments you'll ever make. While paternity leave offers valuable bonding time, the reality is that many parents must return to work before fully adjusting to life with a newborn.
Here are some practical strategies to help make the transition easier.
Be Kind to Yourself: Expect Drops in Performance
Decreased Output
Did you know that the birth of a child can have a significant impact on work performance? Studies have shown that during the first few months with a newborn, parents often experience a noticeable reduction in their work capacity. This can feel frustrating and overwhelming, but it's completely normal.
Be kind to yourself and remember that you're not alone.1
Increased Output (Dangerous)
On the other hand, some parents respond to the challenges of parenthood by working harder than ever in an attempt to regain a sense of control. This can quickly lead to burnout, exhaustion, and poor mental health outcomes.1
Be very careful with this approach.
How to Mitigate the Change
Let Your Boss Know
If your boss is a parent, they'll likely understand. But regardless, it's worth letting them know when you've had a few rough nights.
Sometimes a simple heads-up such as, "I'm 100% committed to my job, but I'm not running at 100% today" can make a big difference.
Guard Your "Yes"
I've always been the kind of worker who says "yes" whenever someone asks for help, and I've struggled with saying "no".
When someone asked me to take on an extra project with a tight deadline, I learnt to respond with something like:
"I'm still adjusting to being a new parent and don't have my full bandwidth to take on additional work right now. Would it be okay if you asked someone else?"
It felt uncomfortable at first, but I was surprised by how often people understood and found another solution.
Navigating Relationship Challenges
The Impact of the Fourth Trimester on Your Relationship
Did you know that more than 79% of couples report a significant drop in relationship satisfaction during the first three months after their baby's birth?2
There are dozens of studies highlighting this decline. The good news is that it's usually temporary. However, these statistics demonstrate the importance of addressing relationship challenges proactively to prevent long-term issues from developing.
Nurturing and Maintaining Your Relationship
The 10-Minute Tax
I found the transition from work mode into parent and partner mode surprisingly difficult. Separating work life from home life is important because it helps you become more present and reduces stress.1
One strategy that worked for me was what I call the 10-minute tax.
Before you walk through the door, pull over somewhere safe, turn off your phone if possible, and take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself:
"My work hat is coming off; my home hat is going on. All the stresses of work are not welcome in my house."
Put on your parent hat. Put on your partner hat. Then walk through the door and be present.
Encourage your partner to take the tax whenever they leave the house as well.
Primary Caregiver Refresh
Once you're home, take pēpē from the primary caregiver and tell them they're on refresh time.
This time should be completely free from parenting and household responsibilities.
- No chores.
- Nothing baby-related.
- Ideally, a walk around the block or a hot shower.
For 30 minutes, your partner gets to be a non-parent.
This small break benefits both of you. Prioritise it. You'll both be kinder for it.
Post-it Note Appreciation
You are both going to experience levels of fatigue you never knew were possible. This may lead to arguments.
Counter this by keeping a notebook, diary, or shared document where you write down little things you appreciate about your partner whenever you get the chance.
My wife Charlee and I used a shared Google Doc. Over time it became a growing list of appreciation and gratitude. It was incredibly valuable to read what the other person noticed and cherished.
Final Thoughts
Whether you're a mum or a dad, returning to work after having a baby is a major adjustment that can be difficult to navigate.
Remember that you and your partner are in this together. Maintain open communication, even when conversations are difficult. Avoid letting resentment or negative feelings build up. When you feel your patience wearing thin, pause, regulate yourself, and prioritise self-care.
Most importantly, appreciate the little things and express gratitude whenever possible.
Take things one day at a time. You can handle this new dynamic, and with time you'll likely grow even closer because of it.
With teamwork, positivity, and gratitude, you can successfully navigate and enjoy the fourth trimester.
Follow @_KiwiDad for weekly parenting tips and insights.
References
- Musick et al. (2016), The Impact of Parenting on Work Performance: The Moderating Role of Gender.
- Mitnick et al. (2009), Changes in Relationship Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood: A Meta-analysis.
