I am at loss as to what to do with my 23 month old son. We are transitioning to a big bed from the cot (new baby due in 11 weeks!) He is not too bad at going to sleep, taking an hour or less, but wakes 2 times a night and will not resettle. First night took 4 hours (midnight to 4am) and we did a combination of putting him back repeatedly, sitting on the bed, standing at the door and lying down with him. 2nd night we only got him to sleep after a couple of hours of the same and ended up practically lying down with him holding him down. Prob was he got up again a couple of hours later and it took another 2 hours to get him back down. He is so completely wide awake and just thinks it is all a big joke.
Background information:
Matthew has always had a very stubborn personality. Once I decided I'd had enough of 2-3 hourly feeds at 11 months, I weaned him onto the bottle. We have always been a bit naughty and given him a bottle to lie down with in his cot. He'd drink it, throw it out of the cot, grab a dummy and go to sleep. He never liked to drink his bottle while you were holding him and still doesn't. Only wanted it once he was lying in the cot.
I tried 'no bottles at night' rule for a few weeks and then he became sick and off his food, so fell into the habit of giving him bottles at night.
So we used a sleeping bag until a few months ago when he got too tall for it. He now wears a thermal and flannelette PJs or a thermal and all-in-one sleepsuit as one of his favourite tricks was to take his pants off and throw them out of the cot (probably knowing I'd have to come in to put them back on!)
He has always had a night light on, Time for Dreaming CD on repeat and recently put the oil heater back in his room to see if that helped any.
Up until 3 nights ago - he always had a couple of dummy's in his cot, but in the last few months I found that he'd throw them out of the cot and then call for me to pick them up so hence why I wanted to ditch them (which we have done cold turkey without him so much as asking for them - very bizarre!).
We tried the Sleep Easy check in thing (verbal reassurance technique), but found with Matthew that he just got more upset everytime you visited and left again. Admittedly when he was in the cot and couldn't get out - sometimes he would take over an hour to settle to sleep (never made a peep - just played in his cot quietly and kicked and rolled around happily) so I think this has been the reason for some of our difficulties transitioning to the big bed, as now that he CAN get out, he won't just lie there and eventually go to sleep.
The only success we've had is to shut his door and ours and leave him to cry and I think the record we've done that for was almost 4 hours. It was incredibly hard to do and I did pop in and make sure he wasn't hurt or sick but he would stop instantly when he saw me and there were no tears so it was just all noise. He would get worse after popping in so it was easier to just leave him to it.
I've had success with the door knob things that means he can't open his bedroom door.
So given he is now in his big bed, with no dummies, the only remaining issue is that he still wakes 1-3 times a night and calls out for 'mummy' repeatedly. Occasionally he'll ask for a bottle (which is refused - although I do have a cup of water beside his bed that he can have). I guess giving him his bottle in bed initially is not helping, but given that he never actually falls asleep with the bottle - is it still a problem? It's probably time to ditch the bottle (he won't drink it in a cup - I've tried multiple times!!) soon anyway, but don't want to do too many new things at once!
What do we suggest?
Susan's battles over Matthew's sleep have been going on for 2 years, and with another baby on the way it's time to get this sorted. Coping with the late stages of pregnancy followed by a newborn are exhausting enough without the continued night-waking.
So the first thing we recommend is that Susan and her family make a decision to do whatever is necessary to resolve Matthew's night waking. This will mean being completely consistent and not 'giving in'...toddlers push boundaries constantly and need VERY firm and consistent guidelines. They should make a written plan of everything that needs to be changed and implemented, as this makes it much easier to be consistent.
We recommend tackling the bedtime battles and night-waking at the same time, so Matthew gets the same message regardless of the time of day or night. The same technique should be used for all self settling.
Susan could use either a very gentle and gradual approach, use verbal reassurance regular check-ins or continue with that she has had success with. Given she has had some success over the past couple of days with being tough and just shutting the door and other gentle techniques have had no success despite her being very patient over 2 years, I would agree with Susan's plan to continue with what she has been doing.
Keep the technique simple and CONSISTENCY is the key!! Chopping and changing to different techniques during the night will confuse Matthew and also diminish Susan's belief that she can get this situation sorted!
Preparation:
1. Explain to Matthew that Mummy is sleeping in her own bed all night from tonight and there is no point in shouting for mummy to come in as she will be asleep. Say this lots of times through the day, the more often the better so it won't be a rude shock in the middle of the night. Toddlers are quite capable of processing something like this, especially if you repeat it quite a few times and then follow through with what you have told him.
2. Write a simple story book with photos of Matthew in it - include the simple step by step bedtime routine, have a photo of Matthew asleep in bed, and mention that Matthew sleeps all night in his bed without waking up mummy. Mummy & Daddy are very pleased with Matthew. Have a photo of Mummy sleeping in bed & say how much mummy needs her sleep too!! This could be done by inserting photos onto pages with text, print out & stick in an exercise book or even just some stick figures with a simple story.
Bedtime:
1. The first change is to stop letting Matthew have his bottle in bed as he gets drowsy and falls asleep. He needs to learn he can fall asleep without any help to get drowsy, so he knows he can get back to sleep in the night.
Given he has adjusted well to not having a dummy, he will easily learn not to have the bottle if Susan is consistent with this.
Some options for this are (choose one option & stick with it!)
- He could have the bottle in the lounge before you start the bedtime routine in his bedroom.
- Sit up in bed and have it before you START his stories
- Another option would be to use one of our techniques for weaning off bottles, such as watering it down over a few nights.
The key is to stop having the bottle lying down as part of him falling asleep!!
2. Allow about 30 mins for the bedtime routine of cuddles and 3 stories. Matthew sounds like he needs plenty of time to wind down as well as clear guidelines. Play your white noise while this is going on to help with calming and setting the bedtime scene.
3. Read a couple of favourite stories plus your special bedtime story about Matthew & Mummy each sleeping all night in their own beds.
4. Take any excess of toys or bedding out of the bed, and remove toys from the room that Matthew may get out of to play with. Ensure he has his comfort toy or blanket in with him.
5. Give Matthew a goodnight kiss & cuddle, and say a simple bedtime phrase like 'it's night time, go to sleep now' and leave. Susan has found shutting the door and using a device to stop Matthew opening the door is working well, so I recommend she continues with this for bedtime and through the night.
6. Leave Matthew to fall asleep by himself. Yes it might take a while, but offering help at this stage is likely to make the process take longer and confuse Matthew about what is expected. He may well fall asleep on the floor since he can get out of bed, but ignore this and he will learn that his bed is more comfy!
7. Susan should continue with her plan of shutting the door and using the device to stop Matthew opening it, since this has proven useful so far.
During the night:
1. All kids wake in the night: Recognise that all toddlers wake 4-6 times during the night. Some take a bit longer to resettle them self and may chatter or cry a bit as they go back to sleep. You can't stop the waking, but you must teach a child they can get back to sleep without your help.
Research shows that ongoing inability to resettle and sleep all night can plague kids for years later and later impact on cognitive development once they are at school. So be tough on this and ensure that Matthew gets the message he can go back to sleep without your help.
2: White Noise:
Play some very boring white noise on repeat all night rather than something with vocals. Baby's First Noise is excellent or something like Ocean Waves.
3. Clothing/bedding:
Make sure he is dressed warm enough that it doesn't matter if he kicks off his bedding - kids of this age can be very wriggly and you don't want to have to check on him, tuck him back in etc as you are teaching him to self settle.
For toddlers who are prone to undressing, using an all in one sleep-suit on BACKWARDS can work well, so they can't access the zip. The same trick can work for sleeping bags too.
4. Offer no help to resettle:
When Matthew wakes in the night, we recommend Susan offers no help to Matthew to resettle (assuming he is well, warm etc which has all been covered before bedtime).
Since Susan has found that this is the fastest way to get Matthew to self settle at bedtime, then it is very important to be consistent using the same technique during the night. Keep the door shut, no interaction and let Matthew settle himself as he has shown at bedtime he can.
Ignore all requests for bottles, drink etc, best to just ignore this completely and no go in to discuss it or explain it, since Susan has covered this in her preparation.
The more times Susan is consistent with not going in and offering help to Matthew, the quicker he is going to settle each time, and learn he no longer needs to call out for her help.
Matthew may well end up asleep on the floor..but he will quickly learn that his bed is more comfortable than sleeping on the floor.
For others reading this case study, an alternative would be to use the verbal reassurance method as an alternative to Susan's approach of letting Matthew completely settle himself.
If using verbal reassurance:
Wait at least 10 minutes before checking on your child and even then only open the door if you think think this will help with self setting. You might find it works better to talk through the door or use a stair-gate that you can see your child but they can't get out of.
Remember your child must learn they can go to sleep without your help and the more help you give, the longer it takes to learn.
I recommend saying your bedtime phrase from the door 'it's night-time, go to sleep'. Then go back to your own bed and wait at least 15 minutes before repeating the same process. Continue to repeat, without going into the bedroom, no patting, tucking in, offering drinks etc.
For more information:
The Sleepeasy Solution CD 2-5 years - covers transition to bed & verbal reassurance method
The Sleep Book - covers the 'shut the door & leave them to it' approach
The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers - for gentle alternatives to the above
We also have detailed website articles on the following relevant topics:
- gentle techniques for toddler sleep
- my toddler still wakes for a bottle
- my toddler won't settle at bedtime
- hot tips for toddler sleep
- Suggestions for early waking toddlers
- Changes to toddler day sleeps
Follow up a few days after the plan was implemented:
Going great! He takes less than 10 mins to settle at bedtime, and is drinking his bottle in the lounge while having stories. He still cries when I shut the door, and if I don't shut the door - he'll get out of bed with
his blanket and lie in the doorway! But he hops back into bed to go to sleep within 10 mins so all good there.
So Thurs night was 6.45pm -7am, Friday was 8.45pm (we'd been out) - 6.15am at which point he cried and cried so I gave him cuddles in our bed, wasn't sure what to do as I wasn't quite ready to get up and it was still pitch black but was really morning time!!
Last night he actually woke up crying a couple of times (first time we've heard from him since Wed!) and I ignored him and he went back to sleep after about 20mins, and woke up at 7.30am.
So we are really pleased and it is soooo nice not to be getting up at night! Quite amazing really - and wish I'd got a lot tougher a lot earlier but at the same time I know we did try and he just outlasted us! He has really
taken a leap in his development over the last month with talking and communicating so I wonder if that has been the difference.
I've been sleeping with the Cuski but I don't think he needs it - seems to have adopted his puppy dog soft toy (his sister loves hers too) so I might save the Cuski for the new bub.
Day sleeps are happening but he protests for a lot longer - took 45 mins today. Lots of banging on the door etc. But he gets there in the end.
Happy Mum here!!